Filed under Confessions of a Startled Fat Woman

Live startled by cleaning a closet?!

or

How Othello reminds me what I can do

When we returned from an extended trip in our travel trailer, our welcome home present was a broken float in the swamp cooler and a hall ceiling that drooped down around (yes, DOWN around. That’s a long way hung.) the light fixture. A dried puddle evidencing several rings lay on the floor with a curled up edge of one of the planks of laminate. Ah, yes. Welcome home.

Insert story of restoration crew pulling down ceiling that looked like graham crackers too long in milk, my not even 18-month old floor ripped up (with some molding yanked as well), and a month of waiting for the insurance company to hand over bucks to the repair guys.

So as of last night after dark, they have refloored the, well, floor. If one day to do three rooms and a hall sounds like a short period of time and not much work for me, let me assure you there was MUCH sweat and grunting and unbolting and bolting a Select Comfort bed and grumbling about too many shoes–not mine–and gulping icy water and thanking God BIG TIME for Louise and Becky. Girlfriends to the rescue.

So then…

I moved to purge mode. What if–tingling sensation creeping in– I don’t put it back? What if I don’t really need it and give it away to a convenient friend who is having a yard sale in three weeks? And who will let me take it NOW over to her garage? My office closet, without doors since the new floor doesn’t allow crummy bifold doors to return to their previous location, beckoned. Purge me. We’ll both feel better.

Out went school curriculum I’ve never used that I bought myself. Out went the curriculum my mother sent me when she retired, cough, um, a long bit ago. Out went copies of worksheets for classes I don’t teach anymore. Writing books I’ve never read or finished reading.  A yard sale pile. The pitch into the trash.

Then I found it. A dusty notebook with REAL yellowed pages. A poetry notebook from 1975-77. Handwritten. By yours truly.

End of purging. Time to travel back in time. What have we here…?

Senior year English class. We read Othello. I wrote a poem. What startles me now is not that it is particularly good poetry (it isn’t), but that I could work in a creative form other than my strength. So, if I could do it then, what else can I do creatively?…whoa.

A nice encouragement from purging a closet. I love living startled!

What? Oh, you must read it? Well, okay.

Othello & Desdemona: A Different Glimpse

Desdemona by Leighton

DESDEMONA

Hours pass, alone am I

Staring blankly at the sky;

Words are whirling in my head

I wish to God that I were dead.

The things Thou said, the names Thou threw

I cannot think of what to do;

Thou were so cruel, I cringed with fear

Thou weren’t the man that I held dear.

Thou gazed at me as to despise

Me for that look from a soldier’s eyes.

I never did Thee any wrong

My love for you still burnest strong.

I remember with averted face

The Thou stormed out from the place

Where love had died and hate had grown;

The seeds of doubt that had been sown.

My soul is full, my heart is sore

I only wish to shut the door

On all the dreams and hopes and fears

Of us as one, in yesteryears.

OTHELLO:

My mortal heart doth break in pain

The agony drives me near insane.

My sweet wife she has done the deed

That maketh me swoon, maketh me bleed.

She did indeed a soldier woo

She must be made to ever rue

That fateful morn on which she birthed

She is but mud be turned to earth.

I cannot put my mind at rest

I must keep striding, ever, lest

I recall with love our times of joy

But no, I see her writhe, be coy

In a post of love that truly reeks

Of lies and scum and dark deceit.

I will this night before cock crow

Slay this whore afore she go

Leapeth yet into another embrace

A different knave, a difference place.

And yet my soul feels heavy blessed

with gloom, I have not had a peaceful rest.

Oh, strumpet fair, with heart so black

I thought thou chaste but thou did lack

A stroke of love for me this knave

Whose heart so carefully didst though enslave.

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A Fourth of July Dirt Ride

Adventure Guy and I rode from the top of a mountain to the bottom. One way. It’s been my experience that the people who ride the other way don’t smile. I smile and wave as I’m going down and they’re trudging up. The best I get is a grimace.

The only prize is bragging rights, but Adventure Guy won the Fun in the Dirt Award yesterday.

Plus the Blood Award.

He didn’t seem too happy about being the recipient.

My sage advice, upon turning and seeing him sprawled across the deeply rutted dirt road: “Lay there a minute and think where all your parts are. Then move your legs out of the wheels” went unheeded. It might have been because at that moment we heard a large vehicle hauling up the road near the blind corner where they would not see Adventure Guy before making him a grease spot.

He kicked the bike away and scrambled to his feet just in time to look very calm and nonchalant and Adventure Guy-ish when the truck spurted past.

I can only claim tire kisses from my tires locking in an aggressive sand rut, and my leg going between the wheels. They tried to take me down but I was yelling, “I’m not goin’ down! I am NOT going down” and managed to hop, hop, hop until I got my balance.

Weather was overcast which meant it was cool. Yay. Saw scary large animal print in a mud rut. The claws were, well, let’s just say when I had to take a pit stop, it was a quick one. No need to make critters think “appetizer.”

It was beautiful. I’m glad we went even if it rained on us.

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4 Life Lessons Learned in My BeamFit Class

I’m continually startled during my BeamFit class at my rec center Dimple Dell. Sometimes it’s because my body, which performed adequately in the previous class, is not in this class. Most of the time, however, it’s because I’m learning life lessons.

For those of you who are not familiar with BeamFit, check out their site. In essence, it’s a fusion between Pilates, yoga, and tai chi, all performed with the added instability of a squishy beam that sits on the floor. Get the image of gymnastics out of your mind: it’s not wood and it’s not off the floor. You don’t have to be a petite, lithe five-year old to do it.

I initially went because it challenges balance and I’m all for a class to help me avoid the ranks of Women Who Fall.

Yet what I’m getting is insight into living each moment of each day. Class reminds me of life concepts:

  • Awareness
  • Focus
  • Change
  • Endurance

Awareness

“Before you take a step, receive the information your feet are giving you,” is a standard encouragement from certified BeamFit instructor Lisa Condie. Stepping on the beam changes everything. It changes my weight distribution, balance, and, my attitude. I am now listening to my darling feet which carry me throughout my day and are often ignored: Lean, lift, compensate. And occasionally, HEY, STUPID, I’M WORKING IT DOWN HERE.

I hear much.  And not just from my feet. I hear, “Who am I receiving information from in my life?” “Who do I want to hear information from?”  I remember I want to receive information from God, because He has good plans for me and loves me more than I will ever know. I remember I want to hear what Adventure Guy is saying about his life because he’s important to me.

Focus

The first day I attempted BeamFit, I blew into class on a schedule. One hour for class, check my emails immediately afterward, 15 minutes to drive home through major construction hassles, and oh, did I bring the library books to return?

Moments into class, however, I abandoned anything further than stepping on and off and my focus point (which is NEVER another human–a lesson in itself, huh?). I couldn’t do both. Center first, then move. Right. Took longer than I thought. I have much in my head and it’s a 24/7 reality show with no sponsors. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe? What a concept. My body sent me information that I don’t breathe nearly deep enough often enough.

Even in the semi-dark, with lovely music, there are distractions. Am I squeaking my beam more than someone else as I grab for balance? That woman next to me is a heck of a lot older than me and she’s mamboing on that beam like she’s stuck to it. What’s wrong with me?

Lessons I’m learning include that distractions are a given, both in class and in life. The choice is what I’m going to do about it. That path makes all the difference. So in class I now stick my sneaker in front of me about two feet and focus on that. Steady on. I pull my body up as though kind hands are cupping my face and turning me toward the sun. Rise up. Focus.

Change

Unlike weight lifting, here I see a steady increase in strength and endurance (if I apply myself regularly), balance is a moment-by-moment thing. Some days I walk the beam with more ease than other days. Some days my left side seems to be completely severed from my body and on its own agenda. Then, as in distractions, I have a choice.  “Center first, then move” or be frustrated. (Hint: Frustrated is the joy-sucking wrong answer here.) On the days when I have to keep choosing life over death thoughts (“You are never gonna get this; why put yourself through this?”) I recall that the astronauts headed for the moon were off course 95% of the time and they still made history.

So, I’m startled to learn off the beam and in my dailiness, I am increasingly thinking: Change is inevitable. Misery is optional. So is the status quo.

Endurance

In a perfect world, epiphanies would flow and be wonderful and I’d never have a time when I want a quick exit. Reality check. I hunger for the movement of the clock during class: When is the last five minutes?! Near the end, we do the BeamFit version of a Child’s Pose on the beam. The joke among BeamFit instructors is that it’s called the Child’s Pose in yoga and the “Oh, Thank God” pose in BeamFit. I can so relate.

I am sweating more than I would possibly think, moving as slowly and deliberately as I have been. I moan and groan and sometimes apologize because I’m the only one doing that. Sometimes I forget to rise up and I look more like Quasimodo than a delicate woodland sprite. Lisa says, “There’s no extra credit for pretty,” and I laugh and look at the clock again and think, “Just this next move. That’s all I have to do. Just one more move.” And then it’s the next, and the next, and I’m laying back on the beam and breathing deeply and feeling the sweat trickle off my breastbone.

I survived. I’m alive, no really, fully alive. I’m glad. And it’s like things off the beam, where I just have to do one more thing. Rise up. I’ll be glad after.

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Confessions of a Fitness Instructor Part 2

Here’s Lisa once more…

In Part 1, I set up the premise, depressing as it may have been, that becoming a gym rat would not make you thin.  (Next comes the Santa talk.)

I gave you the studies on “The Reward System” and “I Did That Already” behaviors.  In a nutshell, the half a muffin with coffee after an hour workout, pretty much negates the workout.  And, working yourself like a farm animal for your personal trainer, does not give you permission to stop all movement the rest of the day.  There is a bigger, and I hope to prove to you, brighter picture!

Barry Braun, associate professor of kinesiology at the University of Massachusetts, says that the evidence emerging from research shows that moderate exercise is an excellent way to burn calories without triggering a caloric-compensation effect.  In one experiment, Braun showed that simply standing up instead of being seated used hundreds more calories per day.  MOVE!!  Remember, exercise is still the number one predictor of weight loss maintenance.  And while it doesn’t have to be brutal, it does have to be constant.
People who regularly exercise are at significantly lower risk for all manner of diseases—you’ve heard it all before—heart disease, diabetes, cancers.  We need to incorporate movement in each day, for a variety of reasons.  Mentally, emotionally, and, or course, physically, we just have greater quality of life if we are movers.
“You cannot sit still all day long and then have even 30 minutes of exercise without producing stress on the muscles,” says Berthoud, a neurobiologist at LSU’s Research Center.  “The muscles will ache, and you may not want to move after.  Better to distribute movement throughout the day.”

I recently attended a conference to hear Dominique Adair MS,RD, a highly regarded nutritional expert in the United States.  This was my topic—this is my thing! Lay your wisdom on me!!  When asked WHY our country is becoming obese, she simply stated, “positive caloric consumption”….we eat too much!  We have become a country that eats way too much of the most unhealthy types of food.  Most Americans eat food that is calorically dense, highly processed and in huge proportions.

And so I return to my original confession.

I am a thirty year veteran of the fitness industry, who is not sure we are educating our students correctly.  It’s not just about the workout, or just about the food you eat.  It’s about both of them…and the thoughts you think, and the aspirations you have.
Ask yourself this question, “What am I getting fit for?”  (pardon the grammar)  Then, ask it again…and let your heart answer as well.

Why and how are you exercising?  Is it for the mirror, or is it for your life?  Go deeper, think longer…what is it, really, that you want to accomplish? If you truly want a quality of life that includes a healthy mind/body connection, take classes from the entire spectrum of cardio to Beamfit, power pump to gentle stretch.

Find the joy in developing core muscles that help you engage better posture, keep you from slipping on a patch of ice, or allow you to laugh deeply!  Get outside and walk, breathe fresh air, carry your own groceries, MOVE!

Change how you look at your workouts, how you look at the food you eat, and you can change the quality of every day.

What are you moving for? Toward?

P.S. We moved the treadmill from the basement to Adventure Guy’s office. Well, two strong young men moved it. Now, to use it and add it to daily movement.

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DirectLife coach in my inbox

Still going for green...

Confession

As I’ve whined before, since July, I’ve been sporadic about moving my molecules in any regular fashion.

Enter Jen, the Coach in My Inbox, with DirectLife. When she emailed to check in with me (yes, she does that), I whined to her about the additional job, the new classes at school, life in general, and…well, no need to go further. You’ve all whined the same chorus before.

She came up with a great idea. She suggested, since I use Google mail, that I create a Google calendar of what I have to do each month and then tell her what I’d like to do with movement. Then send her the calendar and she’d take a look at it and see where perhaps I was being unrealistic or could fit something in.

A fresh idea! And I could do it on my computer. So, I did. I added the time with my husband I wanted as well as the school schedule, the Mac classes for the new laptop (yes, there IS a learning curve), Keep Moving and BeamFit classes at the rec center, and oh, yes, my friends. The friends who were complaining that they never see me anymore and was I “cocooning”?

Since the thrust of DirectLife is an overall increase and maintenance in lifestyle moving, she covered something I hadn’t. Going

5 checks x 5 mins. = 25 minimum minutes moving my molecules. Lifestyle math.

to classes is valuable and helpful. And then there’s the rest of my life. Jen suggested I make five boxes to check off each day. Each box would be movement of at least five minutes.

This got me thinking. My office is at home. There’s the stairs up and down to the washing machine. There’s jumping jacks and emptying the dishwasher. There’s dancing to I Love Rock n Roll. Okay. I can do something there.

Then she suggested that I print out the calendar and put a big ‘ole red check when I accomplish the scheduled movement. It’s a tweak of improvement on the gTasks checklist I have on my home page. I see a calendar posted on the white board more than the gTasks list which I check off and then don’t see when I’m not on the home page.

My coach in the Inbox. And get this. She said if these ideas didn’t help me, to let her know and she’d change her approach. Gotta love that.

Go green dots. Thanks, Jen.

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Confessions of a Fitness Instructor – Part One

Since I switched to a county recreation center for moving my molecules, I’ve been fortunate blessed to meet many women from different walks than mine. A community center is by design a melting pot and, despite our being in suburbia, it remains so. I see families arriving with swim suits and towels for the indoor pool, senior couples who come together and split to use the weight or cardio room or walk together on the track upstairs. Young moms drop off small children and come to a class for an hour of mommy time. Women like me take water classes, yoga, cycling, and Pilates, or work with a personal trainer.

I’m finding the classes I enjoy most are taught by Lisa Condie, a certified fitness instructor with more than 20 years of encouraging people. I take the Keep Moving class (which she initiated) and now, the BeamFit class with her. She creates a sense

I liked my own first class on the Beam!

of community in each of her classes and they are full–with everyone from teens to men and women my parents’ age.

One day, as we were doing the cool down in Keep Moving, she mentioned the importance of such activity as we’d just completed–that which is not so murderous as to render you incapable of moving about for the rest of the day, yet provides a benefit. We spoke after and I asked her to blog her thoughts.

This is Part One: The Problem. I’m looking forward to your feedback.

Confessions of a Fitness Instructor:

I see them come to class year after year.

I see them pedal and run steps to nowhere in the gym…lift, kick and crunch…year after year, and yet each of them look just the same as they did when they began their “exercise program”.  WHY??

Even more than the “regulars”, I see the “drop ins”.  They may drop in for a month, three months, even six…but then, they disappear.  Their bodies didn’t change.  The workout was hard…and no matter how perky that instructor’s voice remained, the workout was not fun.  And their muscles ached.  And places that they didn’t even know they had muscles, ached.  And still the scale did not go down, jeans did not zip up, and motivation to exercise ran out. What went wrong??

I am writing to tell you the “rest of the story”…the ugly mathematics of caloric expenditure.  I am going to explain why exercise alone will not make you thin.  By now you are probably thinking I’m a real downer…and who invited me to the party anyway??  Fear not–there is good news ahead.

We are a population that knows, by now, that exercise is necessary for a healthy body.  Most of us grasp the rudiments of weight gain and loss: energy into your body (calories) must be burned off through movement, or stored as fat.  The theory is that it is possible to burn more calories than you take in, resulting in weight loss.  The reality is, you must do a lot more exercise than most people realize.  An hour of spinning (hard, aerobic exercise) burns off one donut.  The end, that’s all.  However, exercise DOES work.  By understanding a few more concepts of behavior and science, you CAN make it work for you.

The Reward System:

In a recent study at the University of Louisiana, led by Dr. Timothy Church, women were divided into four groups.  For six months, three of the groups had an exercise regime of varying amounts of time.  The fourth group had no exercise. Food was not regulated. At the end of the study, there was no significant change in the weight of any group.  In the three groups of exercisers, ALL had adjusted their food intake such that they lost no weight.  They “self-rewarded” their good job at the gym.  The compensated and celebrated all their hard work away.

I Did That Already:
We tend to vastly overestimate the caloric expenditure of our day and assume that one hour at the gym is sufficient.  In a recent article from the American Council on Exercise, they describe a new type of athlete—the “couch potato athlete”. Relentless at the gym, and exhausted the rest of the day.  Natural activity for the day is over.  Rather than going up and down stairs, or out to the mailbox, throwing the ball for a pet, all activity stops!  We “did that already”…..

Evidence is emerging that an intense workout in the gym is actually less effective than a more gentle approach in terms of weight loss.  Stay tuned…I’ll tell you all about it!

My little green dotter

P.S. Me, again. What Lisa is going to tell us next time fits so well with my affection for the DirectLife Activity Monitor. Yes, I am still enamored with getting green dots.

How bizarre…they fit!

Startled

Going through my closet recently and packing away “almost-there” shorts from summer, I came across a pair I particularly liked: they are long but not capris! At 5’8 3/4″ I like shorts long enough not to travel up into the hinterlands when I walk or sit. Know what I mean?

Put a pair on the bed to pack away. They fit but not comfortable. Zipped and all and a size lower than last summer, but not quite there. We’ll see them again next summer and see. Wouldn’t it be cool if they were too big by then?

The long pair I decided to try on to see how close they were to fitting so I could remember next spring. (I usually start wearing shorts in spring since I’m a hot body.)

Well, I’ll be switched. The buggers fit great. No straining, no gapping at the pockets.

“Huh,” I mused aloud, walking to the mirror over the dress. They hung just fine. “What about sitting?” I sat on the bed. Huh. Again. No tightness.

“Well, I’ll be darned.”

Confession

I’ve been struggling since we returned from New York in July. Leaping back into three new classes to create, adding an additional job of auditioning for online tutoring with tutor.com (like going back to high school via chat. I had two very scary encounters with diagramming that I fled from.), and starting up weight lifting with a trainer has left me tired and in “just screw it” mode. Anyone ever been there? Raise your hand, yes, that one with the cheese Danish in it. That hand.

So today was nice present.

Okay, I'll keep at those good vegetables.

Yes, I’m Still Moving My Molecules

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Can you believe it? A Wonder Woman girls- only ride! Yes, I rode the 30-miler with a former student. We had a great time. Scale hasn’t moved but I am.

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Make Aheads & Perspective

Funny how a week out of state to visit family turned into three weeks off blogging. Since I know you all know the routine of going out of town and then the getting back into the routine of the routine, I won’t belabor the whys of my dereliction of duty on Confessions of a Startled Fat Woman.

To summarize the trip, Adventure Guy and I had a blast. Our rented house was on a non-motorized lake (yay) and came equipped with a canoe and a rowboat. My two sisters and brother-in-law added four kayaks and two bicycles and we were set. Camp Damp (my family name) was ready to go.

I did everything there was to do. If it floated, I was in it or on it. I rode the bikes, includng an ancient Peugeot 10-speed found in the basement. Adventure Guy, newly educated in bike maintenance, tuned it up. It was a paddle shift bike, if you know what that is. That info alone dates it to probably the 60s or 70s. Once I figured out the distance between gears, it rode pretty well. Enough to toodle into the tiny town of Clifton on Cranberry Lake with Adventure Guy and my younger sister. I walked. Adventure Guy and I rode up and down the hills around Cranberry Lake in forest! (Not many trees in Utah where we live, so trees are a treat. So is the shade they provide.)

The trip back, however, was a 12-hour marathon with Washington, D.C. shut down from storms and the domino effect of cancelled flights. It was worse than the trip out when Delta cancelled our connection and we spent the night in Detroit. Bright spot: there was a Middle Eastern restaurant that took our airline vouchers. We had a feast!

While I was there, a recurring theme was perspective. What lenses was I living at the moment? For example, a negative perspective on the house focused on the major musty smell that all/most 0ld Adirondack houses have, small windows, the lack of air conditioning, steep stairs, and the leaking toilet upstairs. The lens I chose to live through that week was laughing at the inconveniences, remembering that musty places get enough rain to have gorgeous lakes and forests for me to play in, and gratitude for my older sister who daily changed the paper towels under the toilet tank so the musty smell was reduced.

Finding different ways to get my green dots factored in with perspective as well with two days of rain. (Living in Utah means not a lot of summer activities changed because of rain.) Darker lenses of perspective whined about the steepness and hauling up my luggage. Green dot perspective meant I was getting credit for every trip up and down those stairs. On the rainy days, I made some extra up and downs. (Those stairs were steep enough that my size 10 feet didn’t fit and I gained a rather rapid descent after a certain point on the those treads. My little sister and I hit a badminton shuttlecock back and forth to get our heart rates up during the breaks in rain.

And then there was the walking into town to go behind the library to get the wi-fi connection for my phone which had no cell coverage for the week. I had no idea I was that tethered to technology.

Back at home

Now that I’m home and back at the gym (I just switched from 24-HR Fitness to a county rec center for better class schedules and PICKLEBALL.) I am continuing to deal with perspective. The weight is slooooowwww in coming off. I don’t care about all the green dots on every day. The goals for the DirectLife are getting tougher and I’m not making them as easily. (Would I like a little whine with that cheese?) I washed out of trying Power Pump this morning. So, time for a perspective check.

I have lost 15 lbs. I am in a different size short. I have moved over the hooks on my top underpinnings. I am handling hills better on my bike. I think about the tale of the Chinese Bamboo tree. If it takes four years to shed the excess weight and improve my health, will I still do it? Plenty of thinking and catching the attitude plunges.

Foodwise, I’m working back into what I do to make our clean eating work: Make Aheads. At least that’s what I call them. I have friends who don’t/won’t eat leftovers and I have to shake my head. I make leftovers on purpose. I’m also “eating down the inventory” with what’s in the house. It makes for creative combinations. Here’s the items in process:

Stuffed Peppers

Sort of cooked, hollowed out green peppers (cooked in the microwave)

Can of Northern beans

Fresh basil

a couple of handfuls of cooked red lentils

cooked onions

cooked ground turkey

tail end of a bottle of agave-sweetened barbecue sauce.

tail end of a jar of Black Bean Corn Salsa

last bit of V-8 in a small bottle

Organic ketchup on top for the baking in the toaster oven. (Because I didn’t want to heat up the oven.)

Yield: Six with some extra filling in the pan.

Mystery Dish

The rest of the cooked ground turkey went into an unnamed dish:

Cooked ground turkey

chopped up green peppers (the salvageable parts of the green peppers I hollowed out for the stuff peppers)

oregano

feta cheese

a partial packet of fajita seasoning

I’ll serve this over salad greens, chopped hardboiled eggs, shredded purple cabbage with a lime dressing.

Lemony Rice

1 c Basmati rice (it’s a lower glycemic index rice)

3 c chicken/vegetable stock – hot or boiling

2 T olive oil or one each of olive oil and butter

1 t salt

3 T juice from lemon. Throw in a little zest if you’re feeling zippy. I used RealLemon and I don’t like it as much as the fresh.

In a large frying pan, flatten out the uncooked rice and put in the oils until you heat up the stock. Add the stock and cover and cook. Can’t tell you how long to cook because  a prospective student’s parent called me and I overcooked it because I was on the phone! This time it will have a nutty, lemony flavor as it got rather crispy on the bottom.

Tell me I’m not the only one who does leftovers on purpose. What are yours?

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WHY I’m not blogging this week

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KAYAKING, canoeing, biking in yet another small town. See you next week. Create your own adventure wherever you are!

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